Virgin Mary LGBTQ

Mary and the Magus

Blog, Christianity, Mysticism

I’ve been reading a good bit about Mysticism and Perennialism of late, devouring YouTube documentaries and deciphering some of the texts of the most well-known mystics and Perennial philosophers. Basically, after my Big Event a while back someone reached out to me and helped me make sense of it all. Being given a word, I was told, put me in the ‘rank’ of Magus in Aleister Crowley’s Thelema and we laughed that in times long gone we’d be known as saints. Imagine trying to convince your wife you’re a walking saint. I’ve tried. I failed. I’ll try again though.

Now, that’s fun to talk about and fun to make fun of but Jesus, what? A saint? Me? I’m a swampdonkey from rural Ireland.  Now, the Magus, though, that’s good craic…

The Magus seeks to attain Wisdom, declares his law, and is a Master of all Magick in its greatest and highest sense. His will is entirely free from internal diversion or external opposition; His work is to create a new Universe in accordance with his Will. This grade corresponds to Chokmah on the Tree of Life. It also bears some resemblance to Nietzsche’s “new philosopher” who creates values, although with more focus on self-transcendence according to Crowley biographer Lawrence Sutin.  

That’s taken from here. Now, look, as any of you who listen of the podcast  knows, I dig what Crowley was trying to do, or did, with Thelema but I’ve very little time for the man himself and it’s not so easy for me, yet anyway, to put much distance between the man and what he done that was good and moral and what he done that really, really, really wasn’t. And this isn’t an article about the ranks of Thelema or the qualities of a Magus or the like but the parts about attaining wisdom and the focus on self-transcendence are of the main interest to me. 

Perennialism and Mysticism

Aleister CrowleyLike most of us when I first came across the idea of awakening or having an awakening/becoming enlightened I balked at such a notion that anyone as lowly as me would be able to. Sure, you’d literally need to be a saint to be one with God, like, by definition even. Sure, why would he/she/it/insert favourite pronoun, be bothered with a scumbag like me? But by reading more about non-duality and oneness with the Big Fella and the transcendence of teachers like the Buddha, Jesus etc. you start to say, aye, actually this can be done. And then when I was introduced to the Baptist Head books and saw that two working class lads from England could do it then by God, a working class lad from Ireland could fecking do it too.

Perennialism is basically the idea that at their most basic level all religions are aiming the same thing, i.e.  Union with God. Mysticism is achieving union with God via contemplative practices and/or prayer and, if you’re Christian and into it, some self-mortification (no thanks). The more and more that I read about the Perennialists and the mystics of Christianity in particular and some from Islam and Eastern religions/philosophies the more I reluctantly have to accept that what I’ve been experiencing for longer than I’ve ever admitted have been mystical experiences. That’s a strange and tough sentence to write. I was a card-carrying atheist until not too long ago. But I’d have to admit now that I was only one because I was too ashamed or scared or too unsure of myself to admit I’ve had religious and mystical experiences for quite a while. There isn’t a Christian God, I’d tell myself, but there’s something calling the shots and running it all, or at least behind it all there’s a unity to it all. 

1980s Ireland was still a hotbed of Catholicism, rural Ireland was still very much a hotbed of folk-Catholicism and rural Wexford was no different. Indeed, where I come from, having a local saint,St Fintan Munna, Taghmon St Fintan , who had been a fairly important abbot in the early Celtic church, (St Colmcille claimed God gave him specific instructions for Fintan) religion seemed to be everywhere. I’ll make a point too that the village I’m from has a high population of Irish Travellers and as such their (folk)-Catholic beliefs were very evident, particular at certain times of the year, May and October, when you’d see plenty of May bushes and statues of the Blessed Virgin and lighted candles in windows and the like. Nothing unusual for 1980s Ireland at all. You see less of these traditions now but they’re still around. 

In Catholic countries May is traditionally dedicated to a month-long devotion to the Virgin Mary while October is dedicated to the Rosary and with it having 150 Hail Marys in it, there’s an obvious connection. A classmate of my brother’s had cancer as a child, his older brother was also in my class, and we used to go to Rosary Novenas for him twice a week. They were sad, really heart breaking and it looked very bad for the lad. When it started out damn near half the village were going but as the weeks stretched on and on into months the numbers dwindled as hopes faded. Fair play though to the woman who organised it and said the prayers, Alice was her name, she kept at it and while I didn’t go to all I went to most of them. He recovered anyway. Maybe they had something to do with it, I’m not so sure but years later he thanked us for continuing to go. Least we could do. If nothing else it brought some people closer together. 

Hail Mary

Here’s something I didn’t know until researching this post, the Hail Mary was supposedly given to St Dominic by the bosswoman during the beginnings of conflicts with the Albigensian, more commonly known as the Cathars. The Cathars had some cool beliefs, most notably that theSt Dominic Received the Rosary universe was dualistic and that we (the goodies), had a moral obligation to be good to escape the burdens of the material world. St Dominic founded the Dominicans but during his time he would debate the ‘heretical’ Cathars, he lived the life of an ascetic and didn’t lead any of the genocidal battles against the Albigensian, although it is reported that he supported military involvement. It should be said too that he died before any of the inquisition of the Cathars took place. It’s said that Mary appeared to him and gave him the Rosary to help him get the Cathars to see the error of their ways. The problem though is that until Alanus de Rupe came along and said she appeared to St Dominic and gave him the Rosary two hundred and seventy-odd years later there wasn’t a single document written by any Dominican who said that St Dominic had said she appeared to him. Case closed then. 

Anyway the point I was trying to make before I got lost with Dom and Al there was the Virgin Mary was a bit of a big deal in Ireland and I would have been about three/four years old when all the Moving Statues phenomenon was occurring around Ireland a well. Most people I would have known back then would have had framed pictures of the Blessed Virgin and the Sacred Heart somewhere in their houses, you might have seen the odd Pope and JFK one as well. Unusual now but certainly not back then.

Visions of the Virgin Mary

I’m trying to remember what age I was. I remember the teacher I had in primary school so that would have meant I was in second class, that’s nine years old I reckon. Anyway, I was still sharing a room with my brother and even back then I used to have pretty bad insomnia for a child. I’d usually lose one night a week to not being able to sleep. Just lying there, worrying about everything and anything and trying to fix the world with all the mighty power and desire that a nine year old could wield in his head. My brother was fast asleep and it was a pitch dark night which I don’t remember that being all that usual because being in the middle of the countryside the stars and the moon would usually mean there’d be some light coming in the window. Must have been very overcast. Doesn’t matter.

So there I was, lying awake and then there she was. But not the film-version version that we see on our screens. She wasn’t in blue and white, there was no angelic music, no cheesy, disco fog machine, there was only silence. She was just there, shimmering, well shimmering is the wrong word, is there a word for solidly shimmering, in a kind of ghostly-luminous grey/green. It more had her shape than had her commonly-held features. There was no distinct face but her hand was outstretched, wide and downward and he head was facing downward too.

I was scared out of my tiny mind. Up to that point in my life it was without doubt the scariest thing that had ever happened to me. Thoughts tsumanied my child brain…Why was she, of all people, coming to me? I can’t do anything to help her, I can’t even get to sleep. I didn’t want the responsibility of having seen her. Was I hallucinating? Is this real? Am I already asleep and this is a dream? Why doesn’t see look like what she’s supposed to look like? I remember pulling the bedsheets up closer to my face and looking over at my brother to see if he was awake and had seen her too. Nope. Just me.

Virgin Mary LGBTQShe didn’t speak. I wasn’t given a prophecy. I didn’t receive any knowledge, secret or otherwise. She just hovered there in the top, left corner of the room and looked at me. And I stared back with the absolute fear of God in me. So I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. One Hail Mary after another until I must have fallen asleep. 

The next day in school we had a religion class where the teacher was talking about visions that people had, Knock, Fatima and so on. I suppose now I’d call it a synchronicity. Like the idiot I am I put my hand up when she stopped talking and I told the class all about what had happened. Isn’t it a strange thing that a group of people can sit down and listen to someone tell stories about strangers having things occur to them but when someone in that same crowd admits to having a similar experience the crowd will turn on them? Anyway, I was laughed at and made fun of for a good while over that. Nobody believed me. Why would they? I was nine. 

There were two other times, one in a forest locally called Paddy’s Rock, when I’d gotten lost. It was the same thing, she was up in a tree and just looking down at me, although that time she was in her usual white and blue garb. She didn’t point me in any direction or anything, you know, she didn’t help me get unlost. Just was there up in a tree, with that faint smile she’s so often depicted as having. I eventually found my aunts and cousins again anyway, I told them and, yea, they didn’t believe me either.

There was one more at a place very close to that forest, a grotto just down the road. Now, there’s a cross on the top of the grotto as you can see in the pictures in that link and there’s always been a statue of Mary in the rock too. Anyway, I was up at the cross, looking down at the short trail up waiting for my cousins and she popped up again, in the sky. I don’t know the history of the grotto and why there’s a statue there and if she’d been seen there before or if it’s just a place of calm and quiet and a place for prayer. She just appeared in the sky, smiled and was gone again.

Anyway, I had just kind of pushed these experiences away until pretty recently. Literally nobody other than you dear reader knows about these experiences. I realise now what they are/were. I wonder though having pushed them away have I pushed her away? Then again, one of my first HGA visions had the white and blue motif and I saw a shield with IHS on it. Still though, got to be a little bit annoyed at myself for not having the guts to say hello but at the same time when you’re in the middle of these things talking seems to be the last thing on your mind. Things happen the way they happen. I need to accept them and take any lessons I can from them. Kind of bizarre to think and write that I’ve had visions of the Virgin Mary. I don’t really know what to do with this information.

Suggestions are welcome, you know where to get me.

 

 

An Encounter with Sophia

Blog, OmniSyn

On May 17th 2021, I had a vision. I was given a piece of paper on which nine things were written. I was told to teach them. They lead to All Together-ness; Oneness; OmniSyn. On the TaSTA podcast released on May 19th (you can listen here) we spoke about what I had experienced. Here’s the transcript:

Spud: I had this dream a while ago where, and I spoke about this on the end of the last podcast, where I became lucid in a dream and I was in a forest and I ended up walking down into a cave with something that I now know is called a torch…

Tommie: hahahaha…ahh so many people made a point of telling you. Haha, that was brilliant…

Spud: I’m so stupid…just because I wear glasses doesn’t mean I’m smart, it means I’m blind…

Tommie: I actually saw it on Discord, on YouTube and on Twitter…it was brilliant, I was so happy…

Spud: Hahaha! Well, I mean, thanks everyone for telling me…

Tommie: Some people even sent pictures which were extremely helpful. I found that really good.

monty python handSpud: Hahaha! Yea, so I ended up down in this cave and the stalagmites and the stalactites have grown together but it’s this ice cave and the whole way through the dream like, these different stages had happened; I’m in the forest or I’m in a meadow, I come to the cave, I always had this trudging sense of (sighs) ok, let’s get this over with because I kinda know what’s coming, y’know?

Tommie: Yea…

Spud: Or I know who I’m going to meet kind of thing. So, yea, I get down into the cave and even though I don’t see her I see this kinda thing, this lady passing between the pillars y’know? I don’t know who it is but I’m kind of thinking it’s Persephone, right? But then just as I’m about to meet her this like Monthy Python hand comes down and grabs me and pulls me back up to consciousness and I’m awake. Haha! It’s quite bizarre. But like, it’s happened before when I have these, when I’m lying down and I’m…I’m…I’m up somewhere, I’m not dreaming but I’m not awake either and it’s happened a few times where this hand, haha, just comes in and just grabs me and (shouting), Naw, you’re not ready! No, no, no, no! Don’t go there man.

So, again I find myself in a forest Tommie,  right. So, not like the last one I’m….I have notes here in front of me so I might go to them every now and then…

Tommie: yea, yea, yea, yea, yea…

Spud: …because when this was all over that evening I went for a walk with the dog and I took out my phone and just blurted out what I could remember. Ended up being like half an hour long, like me, just talking. Maybe it was like channelling or I dunno…

Tommie: Right, yea?

Spud: like, I don’t know what the fuck was going on. I have no idea. Alright? Make of this what you will…

Tommie: Transcribe it. Stick it in a book! (laughs)

Sophia?

 

Spud: (laughs) hahaha. I’d like your opinion and I, like, I texted one or two of the lads on Discord yesterday coz there’s something coming tomorrow lads and I want yous to listen coz I’d like to know what yous think and some help with it or whatever. 

Tommie: OK

Spud: Might be nothing, might be something. I don’t know. We’ll see. So, erm, like, erm, the last time I was kind of like (sigh) oh, let’s get this over with. This time I wasn’t like that at all. This time I was like, right, here I am, let’s see what happens. So I’m walking through this forest and then there’s this meadow; gorgeous sunrise is coming up, there’s, er, big, long grass, meadow, flowers, rabbits, hares, whatever…it’s gorgeous. It’s idyllic, y’know, this beautiful morning, a dew on the grass…

Tommie: A jew on the grass…?

Spud: …a heavy dew on the grass, just one. Rabbi! Shalom! 

Tommie: Just a rabbi, just there, haha!

Spud: I didn’t say rabbit did I? I meant rabbi. A rabbi and a hare, the curly hairs, y’know those guys…?

Tommie: Yea, fine, fine, that’s normal….

Spud: hahaha, y’know, I was worried that this bit might get too serious, hahaha!

Tommie: (laughs)

Spud: Anyway, so there’s this door. I don’t know like…sometimes they have these at like music festivals at Ireland, they’ll just have a door frame and a door and like there’s no wall, it’s just a door frame and a door and you open the door…

Tommie: yea, yea, yea….

Spud: …it’s like an Alice in Wonderland or Narnia-type situation. I think it was Narnia, wasn’t it? There was a door beside a lamppost? Anway…

Tommie: A wardrobe? I couldn’t tell ya I never read the books…

Spud: Well, the wardrobe was on our side and I think the door was on their side in Narnia. I think. But anyway, I open this door and straight away it reminds me of when we were scrying the Aethers. (accent) Ate-hers! 

Tommie: (heavy West of Ireland accent) The Ate’hers! Scryting the auld Eigh’Hers!

Spud: (heavy West or Ireland accents) Scrything the Eigh’Hers!…and there’s this massive…hallway of doors. Just fuckin huge. And I’m a bit over-…very, very similar to the Aethers, it was the same kind of thing there were doors and she was saying ‘right, I’ll show yous around, where do you want to go’ type of thing. 

Tommie: …right…OK…

Spud: But this was just me with all these doors out in front of me. And there were corridors off corridors kind of thing, just…all labyrinth-y style, just doors, doors, doors, doors. Kinda like a hotel if you’re looking down on it, y’know?

Tommie: Yea, yea, yea, or Scooby-doo cartoon (laughs)

Corridor of EntrancesSpud: (laughs) hahahaha! Oh jinkies! So I, eh, hahahaha, I eh, oh man! So…Next thing I get a bit discombobulated and everything is…becomes overwhelming for me and there’s too much of a choice and I don’t know where to go. It all starts spinning, revolving, moving and I start feeling nauseous, and I’m going, shit…I’m losing this and I want to stay in this and see where this goes. So, I’m like, right, I know where to go and so, my HGA’s number is 317 alright?

Tommie: OK

Spud: So I decide that’s the number I need to find, that’s the room I need to find…

Tommie: …can I inter…is the HGA number different from your number?

Spud: I’ve never looked up my own number, I don’t think…

Tommie: Do you not have a number, a three digit number that we’ve talked about before that follows you around that you can…

Spud: Ah yea, yea yea! Well, mines, four, but yea, naw, that’s different. Ha, I didn’t even think of that one actually. Funny. But as well like, even with say, looking up my own number, I mean what name do I go by? Spud, Paddy, Patrick? Do I use my surname? I’ve too many fuckin names y’know what I mean like, I don’t know…

Shekhinah?

 

Tommie: yea, yea yea. Ken Wilber would say, what was your name before you were born? What was your name before your parents were born? 

Spud: Well, I know what my name would’ve been if I’d been a girl. They were gonna call me Dawn. That would have been..

Tommie: …awww…

Spud: …atrocious

Tommie: Dawn, like the morning…

Spud: …Get up on the crack of Dawn. Get up at Dawn, get up on Dawn. Get on top of Dawn. I mean imagine the bullying. It would have been horrendous. 

Tommie: What’s that Irish for Dawn? It’s probably really pretty?

Spud: (laughs) Hair-in-moch-a-loch-a-toch…

Tommie: ….ár fad (laughts)

Spud: (laughs) So….317 is the number right?

Tommie: …sorry…is that the same number as the Stanley Kubrick documentary?

Spud: ohhhhh I don’t know. Maybe.Have a look. Google it there. And em, so err, yea, so I realise where I have to go and as I locate kind of where I need to go, the direction of where 317 is…as I get up to the door, herself is standing there.In her full, fuckin battle dress y’know. She has the…as, as she appears as a Roman goddess, right, she has the war helmet, she has the spear, she has the fuckin shield wrapped around her arm, the way the centurians used to do. Medusa’s head is on it.

Tommie: Right, right!

Spud: …and the little owl is around her too. She looks fuckin ready for fighting and I’m….

Tommie: So, it’s like the HGA in Dark Song, that similar? That kinda Roman…

Spud: Oh yea, yea, yea. Huh, that’s mad. Roman Goddess Minerva

Tommie: Yea, Room 317 is a song and a comic but nothing to do with Stanley Kubrick. There’s actually a lot of stuff you could look at there…

Spud: Yea???

Tommie: Yep. 

Spud: OK, this is getting weirder then. So, I say to her ‘What’s going on?” And she said ‘Now you’re ready.’ I say..’Woah, like, for what?’ And she says ‘You know.’ (sighs) ‘Alright’ So, we open the door and there’s these steps going down to the cave like from the last one (vision) but the cave is a bit different, it’s not….I grab another torch…

Tommie: …Coz you know what it is this time…(laughs)

Spud: (laugh) Yea, coz I know what a torch is this time…

Tommie: Now, you’re ready…you were missing that information previously (laughs)

Spud: (laughing) so…(laughs) we’re both going down these steps looking like fucking Gandalf and Gimli, I’m Gimli obviously…

Tommie: haha!

Spud: (makes angry Drawf noises and accent) …with my axe and my torch…Oh these beautiful caves, what it must have been like in the hayday of….anyway, so we go down but it doesn’t turn to ice like the last time with the pillars and the stalagmites and all this but it turns into…a bit like, maybe what the Mines of Moria were like in the Lord of the Rings book, well, not in the book because they were deserted but when they were busy. There’s this massive cavernous, huge cathedral-like…just huge bastard of a room, pillars, arches, yadda-yadda…it’s amazing, it looks like…it reminds me of…even in the dream I thought this is like the Salt Mines in Krakow because all along the walls, the walls were black or very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue, like Fr. Teds socks…

Tommie: haha, yea, yea…

Spud: Priests don’t wear black socks, just very, very, very, very dark blue ones…but in the rock there’s some minerals so it looks kinda shiny, it looks like a starry night, but on the walls y’know? So we’re standing there and over in the far corner of the cavern we can see there’s this, eh, table or an altar, big candles on either side of a box. So, I walk over to the box and on top of it is written The Great Work. So, I look at her and she looks at me and I open it up…and there’s another box…

Tommie: Ohhhh.

Spud: And I says ‘So, I open the box yea?’ and she says ‘Yes, open the box.’ So, I open the box and there’s another box and I’m like, Ahhh c’mon…

Tommie: hahaha…

Spud: haha, even in my dreams I’m taking the piss out of myself…So, I open the third box and there’s this er…. There’s a tree drawn on it and the numbers one to nine. But the numbers one to three are from the ground to the branches…

Tree of LifeTommie: OK

Spud: …and four to six are the roots underneath the ground and seven to nine are the branches and the upper parts of it. And so, one to three says ‘The Three ‘Shons’, and they are Meditation, Exploration and Divination. Four to six is Shadowland or Underworld, it has both of them, and this is The Guardian and Ancestors, Confrontation & Rebirth. And then seven to nine is Strengthening, Wisdom and Unity. Right….

Tommie: Niiiiiceeeeee!

Spud: So, I’m looking at this going, ehh, wow, like, what the hell is going on? And then she comes in. There’s this voice and she just starts…I’m getting all shaky now trying to remember…

Tommie: laughs…

Spud: It’s not Persephone though, I know it’s not her but I don’t know who it is…

Tommie: OK…

Spud: This is like the master of feminine something. I don’t even know what she’s called.

Tommie: Well, Sophia? Sophia is the thing, yea?

Arthur Daley

Take my wife…please…

Spud: Sophia, Gaia is another name? I dunno. This feminine…I dunno, is it Yin Yang. Ying? No Yang? Yang, yea? Maybe it’s her. I don’t know. It’s just this….woman. OK. (puts on angry Dublin accent) It’s just this feckin’ woman…)

Tommie: hahaha, yea, yea…women!

Spud: This is awful…It’s ‘her’ OK? It is her…

Tommie: Oh, that’s her name…what’s the film? Her that cannot be named? 

Spud: She who cannot…isn’t that Minder?

Tommie: She…

Spud: No, that’s ‘her indoors’ isn’t it? Hahaha

Tommie: 1950s stand-up comedy. Take my wife…please, ba-dum-tish.

Spud: Wa-hey. So, it’s, it’s, her. It’s the feminine of the One. I’m not making any sense here. It’s so hard to…

Tommie: No, you are, you absolutely are…

Spud: OK. So, I finish reading this and the voice comes to me and she says ‘You can help teach people to be at ease with themselves, to be at peace, to live with love and compassion for the betterment of all and living this way people will learn their true nature and what they really are and that is One.’ So, there’s a few other bits and pieces, but I dunno how far you wanna go into it but there’s other stuff as well…

Tommie: Ohhh, I want to go into it…

Spud: You wanna keep going? 

Tommie: Oh yea, oh yea…

Spud: I’m not freaking you out here, starting to freak myself out here bringing it back. She said to me…look this isn’t everything alright? When I clean up the audio… coz like I’m walking the dog, the dog’s barking, there’s people talking kinda stuff, even a kid ran out in front of me at one stage…

Tommie: hahaha

Spud: I’ll edit down the audio and I’ll send it to you, you can have a proper listen to it. And it’s weird as well, during the audio…

Tommie: D’you wanna put it on the feed or you want to keep it? We’ll see, we’ll talk about it…

Spud: I dunno, I think I’d rather have the opinion of people before releasing it. 

Tommie: Oh right, OK, yea, yea. Haha, don’t release that audio! Haha

Babalon?

 

Spud: haha, No Spud, you’re batshit, you need help hahaha. Or y’know…So, this isn’t everything but I will share ya that. So, I’m asking her questions about like who are we, where do we come from, all this kind of stuff that I want to know. But, towards the end of it she says ‘look, it’s not your responsibility to have places of worship, or dogmatic rules or even to look for people. People will find you when they need you or when they’re ready to learn. But, you will need help.’ And then she says ‘There are many teachings of this teaching but they all say the same thing; We’re all one, there is no separation, other than what is perceived. By teaching you learn more and by learning you’ll know more and teach more. Help your brothers and sisters and they, in turn, can help theirs when called on. 

If you can help, then help. If you cannot, at least do not add to strife. Do good, accept yourself with love and compassion and others with the same love and compassion.’ She gave me a word, which is…

Tommie: Don’t say it…

Spud: ha

Tommie: No, don’t. You can tell me later but don’t say it. 

Spud: haha, what?

Tommie: Yea, you can tell me later but don’t say it…

Spud: hahaha

Tommie: I’ve always a hesitation, don’t share the word(s) man.

Spud: Ok, ok, ok, we’ll keep that one. She spoke for a bit then about that and…there was a conversation and I was asking her more stuff. But I finished up and I said ‘So, the box said The Great Work, am I finished now with this?’ And she laughed (haha) and she said…but like, it was this…aww man, it’s hard to explain this…it was a laugh that cut me in two.

Tommie: Uhh.

Spud: Destroyed me!

Tommie: right, right…

Spud: Abso-…just killed me. But at the same time there was a bliss in it as well. 

Tommie: Yea, yea…

Spud: Does that make sense..?

Tommie: Yea, absolutely…

Spud: It’s this thing of she destroyed me and brought it all back again…

Tommie: It’s like that thing of realising you’re a arsehole but also realising you don’t have to be it anymore….the shameFool Tarot Cards and the release…

Spud: …And then she said something like “My darling fool, the wheel is round and ever turning until you get off. This is a beginning, an end and a continuation.’ After that then she kinda faded off and yea, we were left alone. Minerva stooped down and gave me a hug and we just kinda…fused and there was just this light. Fuckin starlight man…

Tommie: Ohhh so weird when you did that…

Spud: (mumbles)

Tommie: Your webcam totally lit up…that’s mental…hahaha. I wonder will that record?

Spud: hahahaha! Yea, fused into one and I just…I just came back to myself and err…yea, I just kind of lay there in silence. Nothing happened for a while. Now, I’ve no idea how long this…I was there for two, three, five minutes, an hour, I’ve no fuckin idea…

Tommie: yea, yea, yea

Spud: But even this after bit when I’m just lying there in thought. There was no bliss, no dejection, there was nothing. Just nothing. Emptiness. Emptiness isn’t even the right word coz emptiness means that there was something there…y’know, there’s a box where inside it is emptiness. Just nothing…

Tommie: A Void

Spud: Void, yea, blank. My mind is blank. And then a doubt starts coming in and I’m like…ah shit, she’s gone. Aww fuck, like..oh no and I start getting upset. Oh no, what have I done? Where’s this gone? But then I was able to see that because I’m upset about it I’m only upset because I’m perceiving that…I’m putting that onto it…

Tommie: OK

Spud: It’s a…ah what’s the word, I’m looking for…ah…a projection, I’m projecting that..

Tommie: Yes!

Spud: I’m projecting being upset onto it. If I can put being upset on it then what the fuck am I doing being upset about it, this is amazing. Y’know and then booooommmmmm (head explosion)

Tommie: Niiiice.

Spud: Just…woooooooowwww. Just amazing….ehh, Molly..

Tommie: hahaha

Spud: Holy fuckin shit. But it didn’t last very long. I’ve had these bliss moments before and they do last quite long. One time it lasted for a couple of days. 

Tommie: Yea, I remember that. The Doctor’s one?

Spud: Yea, yea, yea, but this was just..bang! Fast. Boom! Explosion in my head and just going…and then I started crying…hahah, it was like that, y’know… men are so ugly when they cry, horrible…

Tommie: I’m extremely sexy when I cry. How dare you! 

Spud: hahaha..

Tommie: I’m at my most beautiful…

Spud: The thing I wrote down here was Sylvester Stallone crying ‘Adriannnn!’ 

Tommie: hahaha

Spud: I’m like that, I’m just this sobbing mess..of just…emotions and yuaauauaa, what the fuck is going on? That was it then. Then I stopped crying and I eh, I gathered myself together and I went down and started carving some wood…

Tommie: …giving out to the kids hahaha

Spud: hahaha….that evening then I went for a walk with the dog and recorded everything I could remember.